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(Natural News) (SATIRE) It all started with N95 face masks, then Dr. Fauci added his suggestion that people wear protective goggles. According to the latest research, the coronavirus can live inside your ears, so we may soon see Walmart require all customers to wear tampons in their ears to block “the covid.”
Clearly what we need is a whole head solution that blocks the coronavirus from all entry points above your neck: Eyes, nose, mouth and ears.
Our team of scientists has come up with the perfect solution: A whole-head face mask protection system that blocks all facial orifices. Especially engineered for sheeple who live in states run by Democrats, the solution can be easily assembled from any plastic bag — readily found on any beach in America — that closely approximates the volume and thickness of your skull. It does not, however, block anal entry of the coronavirus, so additional protections may be needed in certain Democrat districts where rapy politicians and their wealthy donors are on the loose.
To achieve instant protection using the whole head protection system, fear-infested sheeple need only take a plastic bag and place it over their head. The tighter the fit, the better it keeps out “the corona.”
Don’t worry about not being able to breathe. This is normal with all face masks. If you begin to panic and want to take the plastic bag off your head, just remember that Dr. Fauci needs you to comply. He may, in fact, be willing to hold it over your head until you “acclimate” to the lack of oxygen and submit to the new system “for your protection.”
Remember, Dr. Fauci and CDC officials believe the best way to stop the coronavirus is to make people stop breathing. After all, that’s how ventilators worked, remember? Ventilators, in case you didn’t know, are medical devices that suffocate you to death through the complex use of medical technology that generates huge profits for hospitals.
Beware! Even fake people can be infected with the corona…
Be sure to bring extra plastic bags to public protest events so you can help protect fellow Antifa militants by placing whole-head plastic bags over their heads, too. If they resist, you may achieve improved compliance by holding the bag tightly in place for a few minutes until the resistance ceases, at which point that person is “fully compliant” with covid-19 public safety regulations and can now proceed to collect GOP-approved unemployment bailout money by refusing to apply for a job. Checks are quickly mailed out, even to dead people, as a form of economic “stimulus.”
The whole-head plastic bag mask system is so effective that Harvard scientists plan to announce a nationwide requirement that all climate change scientists wear them. This will likely have little to no impact on the quality of the climate change “research” they produce, by the way.
Soon, Democrat-run cities will be heavily populated by “whole head mask enforcers” who will run around the city, forcing plastic bags over the heads of people who aren’t already wearing them. These “bag enforcers” will also report non-bag-wearers to local police who will proceed to tear gas non-compliant individuals and arrest them, even if it means ignoring a dozen arsonists, looters, rapists and murderers who are carrying out violent crimes right in front of them.
“Hurry! There’s a man who isn’t wearing a bag over his head! GET HIM!”
Go gather your plastic bags now, as there will likely be a nationwide plastic bag shortage once this idea gets out.
One woman in Walmart has already adopted the new solution and has even figured out how to wear glasses and a hat underneath the whole head plastic bag mask. That’s called American ingenuity!
Note carefully in the photo above that plastic bags can also be used as gloves. Perhaps they can also be used as underwear, but we aren’t asking.
This has been a lame attempt at satire. Don’t actually put a plastic bag over your head. Or come to think of it, if you’re stupid enough to try it, you’re probably already suffering from a lack of oxygen to your brain, so it might not make any difference.
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Mike Adams serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation. He has also achieved numerous laboratory breakthroughs in the programming of automated liquid handling robots for sample preparation and external standards prep.
The U.S. patent office has awarded Mike Adams patent NO. US 9526751 B2 for the invention of “Cesium Eliminator,” a lifesaving invention that removes up to 95% of radioactive cesium from the human digestive tract. Adams has pledged to donate full patent licensing rights to any state or national government that needs to manufacture the product to save human lives in the aftermath of a nuclear accident, disaster, act of war or act of terrorism. He has also stockpiled 10,000 kg of raw material to manufacture Cesium Eliminator in a Texas warehouse, and plans to donate the finished product to help save lives in Texas when the next nuclear event occurs. No independent scientist in the world has done more research on the removal of radioactive elements from the human digestive tract.
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Adams is the author of the world’s first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.
In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.
In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.
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Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed “strange fibers” found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health “gurus,” dangerous “detox” products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.
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